


Save Tonight

by w00t4ewan



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drug Use, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 19:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4149774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w00t4ewan/pseuds/w00t4ewan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ finally gets the courage to tell Emily how she feels but is she too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Save Tonight

The Paris cafe was bustling with evening traffic as JJ and Emily took a seat outside. They had spent the night before on a red eye flight from DC to Paris undercover. No one was to know Emily was still alive so JJ had been tasked to sneak her out of the country and get her settled into her new life abroad. Emily had only been released from the hospital the day before the flight, after three weeks of recovery due to the damage Ian Doyle had caused the night in the warehouse. She had been branded and staked through the abdomen yet Emily was smiling from ear to ear. She couldn't help to smile when she was in such close proximity to the woman who made her heart skip a beat.

It was true the two women had feelings for each other yet they were both too stubborn to admit it. They had been doing the same old dance for years before their trip to France yet something seemed different ever since JJ returned to the BAU to help find Emily. There was a new bond between them that had bloomed during Emily's recovery in the hospital. Those long days where she would stare out the window awaiting JJ's daily visit. It was the only thing that gave her comfort. She was suffering from severe PTSD after her ordeal and JJ was calm and patient with her. JJ would wrap her arms around the brunette and sing her to sleep when Emily was feeling restless or had awoken from a night terror. There was a certain understanding between them and Emily felt like she never had to explain herself to JJ.

The flight to Paris had opened their relationship further. Emily had let herself be vulnerable and talked about what she was going through. She told JJ how she had nightmares of what happened to her and how she felt weak in the face of Doyle, yet JJ never batted an eye. She encouraged Emily and reassured her she was the strongest woman she knew. JJ described how Emily had defeated her foe and ultimately defeated death itself in her struggle. Emily talked about what it was like when she coded in the ambulance, how dark and cold she felt and how she was sure she'd never make it back. JJ forced back tears at the memory of it, she had been there holding Emily's hand when it happened. She remembered what it was like to feel Emily's pulse fade. It was one of those moments when time stands still. She had all but blocked out the memory as she couldn't remember exactly what happened next, only that Emily made it through somehow.

They sat and enjoyed their meal together with matching grins. They had yet to discuss their feelings for one another but it was hard for either of them to hide their truest emotions. It wasn't until that evening that Emily finally decided to bring up the difficult topic. She was sure that JJ felt something too and seeing as she was about to go into hiding for an unspecified length of time she figured it would be her last chance to say something. JJ had been unusually quite during the evening leading up to dinner and Emily was sure she could sense something was going on.

"You've been awfully quiet tonight," Emily noted as she read over her menu.

"Yeah," JJ shrugged. "I have just been thinking."

"About?"

"This is our last night together for god only knows how long," JJ sighed heavily. "I just, I'm going to miss you."

Emily chuckled, she would miss JJ equally but she knew JJ would be heading back to Afghanistan and wouldn't spend much time thinking about the brunette. "I think you have other things to think about."

JJ knew it was true but she meant what she had said. She was going to genuinely miss Emily. They weren't supposed to have any contact with each other after that night unless it was an emergency. She wasn't sure how long it would take the team to hunt down Doyle but she knew that everyday she went without talking to Emily would be a day too long. They were so close and she looked at Emily as the one constant in her life. She was being selfish, she knew Emily had to go into hiding to protect herself and the team but it didn't mean she had to like the plan.

"JJ, do you ever wonder?" Emily asked.

"About?"

"About what life could have been like if maybe we had, I don't know, if we had dated?" Emily asked shyly.

JJ reached across the table and took Emily's hand, of course she had. She thought about it all the time but it wasn't something she could ever discuss with Emily. They both had separate lives that had lead them in separate directions. She could discuss hypotheticals all day but the fact of the matter remained that she had put her career ahead of daydreams of Emily. She had taken the obvious choice though she had begun to doubt it was the correct one. She often laid awake at night with her mind wandering to all of the possibilities.

Before she knew what was happening JJ was leaning in for the kiss. Her lips met Emily's and a spark was ignited. It was a brief moment between them but the feelings were overwhelming. What started as a chaste kiss lead to lips working against each other in a passionate connection.

One thing lead to another after their kiss at dinner and JJ was soon falling into bed with the brunette. She had never let herself get lost so quickly but she trusted Emily with her life and now with her heart. Hands fumbled over unfamiliar territory as they fought to undress each other.

Emily was first to get JJ in the nude as she threw her back on the bed. Moments slipped into hours as the two explored every inch of each other's bodies. Emily threw all caution to the wind as she worked to please her partner.

They exchanged smiles and whispers of sweet nothings as they lost themselves. JJ grinned from ear to ear as she fell back in the sheets, panting for air. It was just as incredible as she had always imagined. Years of pent up sexual frustration finally out in the open as the tension of the past few days eased between them.

"I love you" JJ whispered as she ran her fingers through Emilys hair.

"Don't say things you don't mean, Jennifer"

"But I do mean it. I was a fool to not see it before now but I love you Emily. I love the way you make my breath catch in my chest when you look at me. I love the way my knees nearly buckle when you say my name in that sensual voice. I love the way a spark ignites inside of me when you touch me. I love everything about you. I was an idiot to deny it for so long but after tonight I can't wait to tell you how I feel. You mean the world to me. You make me feel a happiness I've never known. I know that this, whatever this is, is complicated. And I know after tonight I won't be able to talk to you or see you for god knows how long. But I would regret it every moment if I didn't tell you that I love you. I'm in love with you and you're the only person I want to be with. Please, please Emily, if this is our only night together tell me you feel the same"

Emily paused, smiled, and wiped away the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "Of course I love you too. I've loved you since the first day I laid eyes on you in Hotch's office"

Emily leaned in and kissed JJ softly on the lips. She laid her head on JJ's chest and listened to her slow, shallow breathing. JJ smiled to herself wanting to never forget the moment. She basked in happiness and warmth for the first time in so long. She held Emily close as they both finally drifted off to sleep.

JJ's eyes fluttered open slowly. Her head was pounding and the room was suddenly loud with activity. The light blinded her and she winced trying to open her eyes fully. She smiled remembering the night before, the feeling of safety and security she had felt wrapped in Emily's arms. Yet her stomach churned. Something was wrong. This wasn't Paris. She finally managed to open her eyes and saw a familiar face staring back at her.

"It's okay JJ. Take it slowly" Spencer urged. "Don't try to talk they still have a tube in your throat"

JJ managed a small nod although she wasn't sure what was going on. A nurse came in and begin to remove the breathing tube. JJ choked as it was pulled out.

"That's okay dear, try and drink some water. You've been out for some time"

Breathing tube? Hospital? What had happened? JJ tried to wrack her brain but it was all so fuzzy.

"Emily?" JJ finally asked hoarsley once she could finally manage words.

"No, JJ it's me Spencer" Reid replied with a sad look. "JJ do you remember what happened? "

JJ tried again to search her memories but all she could see were those dark brown eyes staring back at her in Paris. She smiled, remembering, Emilys was safe. She was in Paris and she was safe.

Hotch entered the room looking over the blonde with a frown.

Reid pulled him aside and whispered, "Hotch, she's asking about Emily" he had intended to be out of ear shot but JJ could still hear.

Hotch nodded and asked to be alone with JJ.

He sat in the chair next to JJ's bed. He held her hand as he looked into her hauntingly blue eyes.

"JJ do you remember why you're here?"

She frowned and shook her head, "I was in Paris...but then it goes black"

Hotch looked at her confused. He knew she was still groggy so he shrugged off the remark and continued, "Jayje, you over dosed. You nearly killed yourself but Reid found you and rushed you here. You're in ICU where you've been in a coma for four days."

JJ looked at him perplexed. How could that be? She was with Emily, they were going to start a life together. Why would she possibly try to kill herself?

"No," JJ refused to believe what Hotch was saying. "No, I took Emily to Paris like we planned. She's safe now. I was in Paris"

Hotch looked at her with sad, serious eyes, "Jennifer, Emily is dead. We had her funeral then you went home and took two bottles of sleeping pills"

"No, no, you're wrong. Emily is in Paris. She's safe and sound, I saw her last night. We spent the night together. I told her I love her. We're going to be together " JJ pleaded as she began to hyperventilate just listening to what Hotch was saying.

"JJ, I'm going to need you to breathe. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but Emily is gone."

JJ began to panic. It couldn't be true she was JUST in Paris. She knew what she had seen, what she had felt. She began to rip her oxygen tube from her nose and claw at the IV on her arm. Hotch called for a nurse who rushed in and pumped a sedative through the IV which hit her like a ton of bricks. Her body went limp and her eyelids got heavy.

"Emily?"

"Yes love?" A low voice replied.

"I thought you were gone." JJ cried as tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

"Where ever would I have gone? I'm right here beside you. I always have been, I always will be," Emily replied as she placed a kiss on JJ's tear stained cheek.

"God, I thought I'd lost you," JJ admitted as she clung to Emily, pulling her in as tightly as possible.

"Shhh, it's okay Jayje. I've got you. It was only a bad dream," Emily cooed. She wrapped her arms around the blonde and sang to her. JJ's tension finally passed and she allowed herself to relax in the embrace. She finally stopped crying and smiled. It was only a dream, a nightmare. She was safe, Emily was safe. Her eyes closed and she slipped back to sleep.

Her eyes opened in the hospital again. She pulled at her wrists but they had been restrained next to her sides. She blinked into the blinding light, frantically searching the room.

"JJ, calm down. Calm down its alright. They just gave you a sedative. You're going to feel groggy," Reid assured as he stroked her hand.

"Spence? What's happening? She was just here. God dammit! Spence! She was JUST HERE!" JJ yelled looking around her otherwise empty room.

"Jayje, it's just me," Reid said as he held her hand. "I've been here since I brought you in"

"No! NO! Bring her back! Bring her back!" JJ screamed. "Let me sleep! She's there. I'm dreaming, this is a nightmare. " JJ squeezed her eyes shut willing herself to wake up. Tears flooded her cheeks as she tried over and over to no avail.

"JJ, Emily's gone. She's gone," Reid whispered. He wrapped his arms around the blonde in an effort to console her. JJ broke down in his embrace and lost herself in tears. She was beside herself with the news. How could Emily be gone if she had just been in JJ's arms moments before?

A few days passed and JJ was released into her mother's care. Sandy Jareau did all that she could to take care of her daughter but JJ had become nearly catatonic ever since she had woken up. She refused to eat and she after finding that sleep no longer brought Emily back to her she couldn't even rest. She was simply wasting away and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. 

After trying to commit suicide she couldn't pass a psych evaluation to return to the bureau but her job didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. JJ was lost. She had finally been brave enough to tell Emily how she truly felt and it had all been a lie. She had so many chances but she always let them slip them by and now it was far too late for I love yous and I'm sorrys. 

Time passed and JJ was worse for wear. She withered down to a measly 100 lbs as she went days on end without sleeping. Her mother did her very best but it was only a matter of time until JJ's body gave out completely. She was weak and it showed. There were dark bags under her eyes and her rib cage protruded from under pale skin. She spent most of her time crying to herself in bed but every now and again she would sneak out of the house in search of something to make her feel alive again. 

The drugs worked for a while but only barely. They made her feel more than, made her feel that spark again. The first time she smoked heroine she felt like she was being embraced in a warm hug. Everything around her slipped away as she felt okay with the situation, okay with the fact that Emily was gone, for the first time since she left the hospital. Each time she sought a more dangerous high, craving to feel anything at all. She tried to snort it but it burned her nasal passages like snorting powdered drain cleaner. She couldn't enjoy the high from the burning sensation in her head so she decided to try her last option. The first time the needle entered her veins she could swear Emily was there again. No matter what was going on around her nothing seemed to matter. She felt safe and sound in her own little world. The sadness slipped away and she was back in Emily's loving arms where she belonged. After that first time she couldn't get enough. Her drug abuse got worse as she spiraled further and further out of control. 

She was tired of living. Was it even living? She was exhausted and so ready to sleep. She shot up and waited for the warmness to take her but this high was unlike those before. She drifted into the abyss as usual but on her way down she was caught by strong arms. 

"Jennifer, why are you doing this?" Emily asked her. 

JJ blinked slowly at the woman in front of her and hugged her tightly, "It's for you. I've been looking for you."

"This isn't like you. You're so strong, you're better than this," Emily sighed as she caressed JJ's cheek.

"I just want to be with you," JJ cried. 

"You have to be brave, Jayje. Be brave for me."

"But it's so hard without you. Nothing matters anymore, please just let me stay with you. I'm so tired of fighting," JJ broke down in Emily's arms as Emily ran fingers through blonde unkempt hair. 

"It's not time yet," Emily replied, kissing JJ lightly. She took JJ's chin in her hand and turned those sad, blue eyes to hers. "It's not time. You have to learn to fly again my little blackbird."

"I can't," JJ confessed through puffy eyes and red cheeks. "I can't live without you. Please, god, please don't leave me again. I can't do this anymore."

"You can because I believe in you."

JJ shot awake with a jolt. She was laying in the middle of the bathroom floor in a puddle of her own vomit. She cried into the darkness in the empty room. She wanted so badly to let go, to say good night one last time but something kept pulling her back to reality. It wasn't fair. Why should she keep on living when life was a waste of time. There was nothing left for her anymore and she just longed for the blackness. Yet those final words played repeatedly in her head, "I believe in you" JJ sat on the floor pulling her knees to her chest, sobbing. Emily believed in her and that was worth something. She knew in that moment that she had to do something, she had to be strong because Emily would have wanted it. JJ pulled herself up from the floor and flipped on the light switch. 

She stared into blue eyes in the mirror as she took in her own appearance for the first time in over a month. The eyes looking back at her lacked the sparkle they once were famous for, they were now lifeless, pale, lackluster. She gripped either side of the counter and turned on the faucet, splashing her face with water. She looked back into the mirror and was shocked to find Emily smiling back at her.

"I love you, you can do this."


End file.
